Thoughts on Parenting a Challenging Kid

Year three for Chris was a tough one.  He seemed to take "terrible twos" to new heights in terms of shenanigans, difficult behavior, and meltdowns.  He destroyed furniture, drew on walls, smeared poo, screamed, ran around like a lunatic.  He threw food, dumped cups of ice water, and generally caused chaos wherever he went.  He pushed us to our limits on many occasions.  There were times when I just walked into the bathroom, closed the door behind me and burst into tears.  How could this little person push me over the line? 

I read books and sought advice from friends.  The more I read and talked, the more I felt as if it was my fault that things were like this.  I was told that he wouldn't do this stuff unless I was "letting him get away with it" or that we "need more rules".   I felt hopeless and miserable.  

I started to wonder what exactly people thought was happening in a house like mine, where there's a wild one.  Do people think that I sit back with my eyes shut and let the walls crumble around me?  Do they think we equip him with sharpies and scissors and let him loose?  The truth is that even if there are rules for behavior, some little ones will challenge them and a time out isn't a deterrent.  He just wasn't connecting the behavior with the time-out in a cause & effect way.  

Over the year we got better at being his parent.  We turned around his dresser so he couldn't climb the drawers or empty them out.  We took the shades out of the windows so he couldn't pull them down and took all books from the room to prevent shredding.  We installed gates EVERYWHERE, bought cups with lids for us and put knob covers on any door we didn't want him to open.  Yeah, it might sound like lockdown, but we turned our home into a place that would reduce his temptations so there would be less frustration for us (and more sanity) and more days where we had no time-outs or yelling.  We were ALL happier with things this way.  It's not pretty, but it's not forever.  

Somewhere along the line things started to change.  I'm not sure when exactly, and I honestly didn't realize how much things had changed until a friend who I rarely see said to me "From your posts on Facebook, it sounds like things are getting better".  And I thought....yeah, it had been a while since there was an "incident" so extreme that the world would be amused at hearing about it.  I started to think about my little boy (who was now 3 years old) and how far things have come in the last 6 months and it's remarkable.  He's still him but he's a better listener, time-outs ARE an effective deterrent for naughty behavior, and we even put the shades back in his bedroom.  He's not a perfect child, but his behavior is so changed that we feel hopeful for the future.  

So what was it that helped?  I think setting him up for success by extensive childproofing his spaces was really important.  But the biggest factor was just him growing up.  Maybe his behavior was related to the frustration that comes with limited verbal communication, maybe it was impulsiveness, maybe it was lack of cause & effect understanding.  I don't really know for sure, but things are better and I'm thankful.

To parents of a challenging child, who are at their wits end, who are in tears, or finding themselves saying "NO", "Stop that", "Don't touch", "Put it down", "Let go", or "Please do not eat that" more than they say anything else, please know it won't be forever.  It's not like a light switch.  The change can sneak up on you, and one day you will find yourself in a much calmer, happier place and wonder how the heck that happened.  

Please Stand By...

Last Friday afternoon I was sitting here and minding my own business when Chris-the-Destroyer peered around the screen of the laptop and smiled.  Then he proceeded to spit a full mouthful of juice straight into the keyboard.
OMG!!!!!
Honestly I was at a loss.  So he spent the next 15 minutes in time out.  He didn't like it, but I don't really think he understands that it was a big deal.  
I turned the computer off and left it keyboard down on a towel to dry out.  Jason popped off a bunch of keys to clean it and was able to hook up an external drive to back up all the photos & important stuff.  
Every time the computer was turned on it did all kinds of weird beeping or scrolling but that seems to have stopped.  And for a while half the keys didn't work but things seem to be improving and I have high hopes of this thing being fully functional sooner or later.  We did spend a few days talking over a plan to look for something new!   I'm not sure what the precise timeline will be, but I think soon I'll be blogging from a shiny new laptop.
So that's all, really.  Just wanted to pop on and say hi and explain where I've been.   I hope to have some "real" stuff for you all this week.
Parenting PSA - beware smiling toddlers with sippy cups

I Love Fall Tablescapes

Hot in the blogging world are seasonal tablescapes.  Take your formal (or informal) dining table and fill it up with a variety of dried flowers, twigs, candles, and pumpkins in the fall.  Add some cheesecloth ghosts and a few craft foam tombstones for Halloween and maybe a turkey made from an apple and popsicle sticks for Thanksgiving...it can be beautiful whether your stile is chic and modern or relaxed and crafty, there are tons of ways you can make your table unique and seasonal.

Here are some great examples of beautiful blogger tablescapes:

From Design, Dining and Diapers:

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I love the sleek cylindrical containers - such a great juxtaposition with the organic shapes that fill them.

From House on the Way:

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I like how casual & traditional this one is - using burlap (very in right now) and pumpkins & corn.  And I like the second fabric/ribbon around the candle.  I think it really pulls the whole thing together.

These are such great examples of how you can bring nature inside, combine hard and soft surfaces to create a beautiful  spot in the middle of a room.  Take some time to pop over to their blogs to see more pics and to see what else these bloggers are up to.

There are tons of other examples out there in the Blogiverse, so pop over to Pinterest and do a quick search for "Fall decor".

Now, I bet you're wondering whether I will share MY tablescape - NO WAY!  Sadly we are not tablescaping this year.  Our dining table is a workhorse - being the only place to eat in the house.  With 3 meals a day and 2 young kids, there's a lot of wiping so we need a pretty clear surface.  Not only that, but lately Chris has been more destructive than Gozer (Ghostbusters reference) so we need to keep stuff out of reach - if we had a centerpiece he'd probably be too distracted to eat.  We can't even put a tablecloth ont here without him doing the whole grab-and-drag thing.  It's sort of comical, until you're the one cleaning everything up off the floor.

I will be decorating for Fall, and sharing it when I do, so check back!!

Parenting PSA: Beverage Security

When you're a young 20-something you always hear advice to keep an eye on your beverage in a bar.  It's a good idea, but when your bar hopping days are over you had best continue the practice. Otherwise when you turn your back, you might find that someone short has spiked your ice water with Legos.  Or plastic hardware.

Rental House Vacation Tips for Parents of Toddlers

When you are the parent of a small child, whether that child is a peaceful cooperative angel or whether that child is some sort of mischievous imp, your kid won't be any less destructive in someone else's house than they are in your house.

 1. Lockdown the bedroom. Pick a bedroom for the toddler carefully. We chose the smallest bedroom with one window. That means that worst case scenario, only one roman shade to pay for. I also took out the tv, both lamps, alarm clock, framed art over the bed, and turned the dresser so he couldn't open the drawers. It might also be a good choice to remove the dresser altogether as my kid tried his darndest to completely destroy it. Luckily I'm pretty sure it's not an antique handed down from French royalty or something.

 2. Bring toys, small quiet ones, new ones are best.  You leave your house and drive to your vacation spot and after you've unloaded the car and you're hot and sweaty and ready for your first umbrella drink on the deck, your kids are staring at you saying, "I'm bored".   Yeah, been there, done that.  Solution: "Hey, go check out this cool new thing!"  If you present your toddler (and/or older kids) with something they haven't seen before, you'll probably get enough time to suck down half of a cool beverage before they get tired again. Kids need stuff to do and although you may be happy to watch birds or boats go by, this just won't cut it for them.  Legos, rubber figurines, trucks, barbies, whatever floats your kids' boat, bring it.  But don't bring anything big or you'll be annoyed that you have to do just as much cleanup on vacation as you did at home.

3.  Don't forget that your kid has to eat!  I know your rental said that the house was fully stocked, but face it, the realtor and homeowner may not realize that your mind includes sippy cups and plastic plates.  It's no big deal to throw a few plates, bowls, cups and tiny silverware into a bag and bring it along.  I went to Ikea and picked up a fresh stock of this stuff on the supercheap.  I also grabbed a pack of Solo cups/tops/straws at Target for on-the-go beverages.  Not a green solution, but very convenient.

4.  Have food rules.  Now I have fond memories of my kinda-grandmom having firm rules about food in the tv room at their vacation house.  And when I was 12, I thought it was superstrict, but not having to vacuum goldfish out of the carpet and couches everyday is really nice.  I may need to institute this rule at home because it really was nice not having cups and bowls all over the house.

5.  If it's broken, then fix it.  Properly!  Face it, your kid might break something.  It happens, a lot.  If it happens on vacation, then you should consider whether you can fix it.  Last year Chris ripped the upper rack of the fancy dishwasher and broke some plastic part.  I ordered a new part and installed it myself for $36 (probably a lot cheaper than a local repair guy or reporting it to the realtor).  This year Chris tried to destroy a dresser and I attempted to do a repair and it turned out bad.  If you will be doing a repair, do some research on the internet or visit the hardware store to make sure you're using the right kind of glue, screws, etc.  And that you have the proper tools.  If something is broken and you aren't able to properly repair it, then be sure to tell the realtor.  This is what security deposits are for.

6.  Try to relax.  Vacation is supposed to be a fun and happy time for everyone, but it's easy for things to get stressful for parents.  If your kid seems to be living on donuts for breakfast and ketchup for dinner, just try to remember that this is but a week in their lives and that you can get back to normal when you're home.  And remember, next year your toddler won't be a toddler anymore.

Oh and as a safety reminder - bring along some childproofing equipment (gates, cabinet locks, outlet covers, etc).  When cleaning our place, my dad found that Chris had done this to a bunch of outlets behind the dining table:

Home Styling Tips for Parents with Toddlers

The internet and pinterest are chock full of posts and articles about how to artfully arrange your life so that it's beautiful and pleasing to the eye.  Every time I look at these beautiful images, I just think of how long it would be before my kids/dog would destroy and dismantle everything.

Right now with the human tornado that is Chris, we do things a little differently.

Arranging Pillows - I love the look on a couch. You know what I'm talking about...tons of throw pillows in beautiful fabrics, coordinating patterns and textures.  So chic.  Check out this blog for some tips on arranging pillows beautifully on your sofa.

Unfortunately, any pillows on our couch generally end up on the floor with Chris belly flopping on top of them.

My personal throw pillow recommendation for someone with small kids is to go with cheap pillows from someplace like Ikea (ours are just $9.99) with washable covers!  Best case scenario: when your toddler spits chewed-up goldfish on the pillow you can unzip the cover and wash.  Worst case scenario  when your dog pees on the pillow and it stinks to high heaven, you can just throw out the whole dang thing and buy a new one.

As to how many, don't buy any more pillows than you feel like picking up off the floor 37 times a day.

Coffee Table Styling - A beautiful tablescape featuring artsy books in colors coordinating with your throw pillows.  Some sort of reclaimed tchotchke that you picked up at goodwill or a yard sale for $2 that has some sort of funky vibe.  Maybe it's a turquoise ceramic dog or an African looking basket for your remotes.  Of course you put it on your antique trunk coffee table.  Or maybe you made the coffee table from old pallets.  Or maybe it's an over-sized ikat upholstered ottoman with a mahogany tray.  Either way it's not in my house.  If a graceful tabletop is what you're after, check this out!

The only stuff adorning a table top here are made by Fisher Price or Lego.  Our "coffee table" is an upholstered ottoman, but again it's slip covered so that it can be washed (often) to eliminate Nutella hand-prints and milk drool spots.  It's also a storage ottoman containing various throw blankets (which are cycled often due to gross kids and dogs).  Hand-knit cashmere afghan?  Nope, more like a Costco synthetic throw that can hold up to washing and dog torment.


Other surfaces - aside from coffee tables, most living rooms have consoles, bookshelves, etc. that are are arranged with things like photos, candles and more knick-knacks.  Aaah, someday we will have a room like this.  For now our bookshelves hold everything we take away from the kids including: phones, remotes, computer, iPad, annoying toys, broken toys, keys, wallet, beverages, etc.  Also, the shelves become a dumping ground for artwork and random things that get confiscated from the dog, such as socks.

I go through this stuff regularly to put it back where it belongs, but a few hours later, the shelf seems to have gathered more crapola.  It's pretty amazing.  Like an undiscovered Law of Physics:

Any flat surface can and will attract as much crap (or more) as will cover it sufficiently.  

Upgrade to Some Nice Furniture - Once you reach adulthood, you start off buying necessities like a really big tv.  But once you've got your big tv, you need to avoid the frathouse or mancave look, so you locate and purchase a lovely console table.  After all you have to have a cable box, but you just don't want to look at it.  Glass doors, polished wood, old timey hardware, it's perfect.

So we have one.  But sadly our 2nd child is as destructive as a...2 year old in a living room? so when he was bending the cabinet doors back until they cracked, we decided they needed to come off.  They're in the basement for now.  Oh and to keep him from turning the Xbox on and off and changing the channel on the cable box, we get to use some of the sweetest looking childproofing products out there - like this super swanky cabinet lock.   **Please note for this and future posts- italics often are used to convey sarcasm.

So this is my effort at "keeping it real".  I like to clean up for photos, usually, but there's a good reason our house isn't magazine perfect:  little people.  I do know from my experience with Sarah that this phase of absolute chaos does end and eventually we'll be able to have nice things out again.  Child locks, baby gates, outlet covers encompass just a brief moment in the span of their childhood.  It's totally worth it to me to put up with some ugly mess for a while if it saves my sanity.